30 Things Before You’re 30…I’m calling bullshit

The Huffington Post just reprinted Glamour magazine’s ‘Turning 30: 30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know [check it out via the Huffington Post hyperlink to the left there]. I can be kind of a smartass, so when I read crap like this I typically give my eyes a work out with all the rolling of them I do.

I only have five and a half more years to do all this crap?

Since Christa and I have this super cool blog now, I figured that I could share my stream of conscious-like thoughts with all of you. However, only proceed if can embrace sarcasm, because I’m really not as much of a heartless bitch as I sometimes pretend to be.

Here is Part 1: What Every Woman Should Have. Enjoy.

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What Every Woman Should Have

[or you will get chlamydia, and you will die.]

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. 

So, this is how we’re gonna start this party, huh? Realistically speaking, there is no boyfriend I would want to go back to, not even the one I dated only because of his resemblance to Sidney Crosby. It’s that old [sic, i.e. new] adage—it’s called a break up because it was broken, so you better start getting to #14 on this list!

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

Does the mattress my parents bought me when I was 15 count?

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

 If either of those things happened, I would have a fashion emergency in two shakes of a lamb’s tail, no matter how perfect my perfect dress is.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.

I can’t even think of anything funny to say about this.

If it is raining, and I have an umbrella, I don’t care if it is Power Rangers themed, I’m just damn glad I was having a smart day and decided to grab it ‘just in case.’

Suitcases come in three major colors-black, navy blue, and red, it’s pretty hard to be ashamed about carrying around the same suitcase AS EVERYONE ELSE. If anything, you probably just feel boring. Unless it happens to be Vera Bradley, then you should feel ashamed.

Having a really fabulous purse has never been my thing, so, pass.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

Hmm…nope

I am not sure how I will ever move beyond my college years. For instance, that it was socially acceptable then to dress up in Halloween costumes in January, walk two miles in two feet of snow to a fraternity party, and then record a real world inspired video on a flip camera while sitting on top of the bar. I will forever curse the day I had to graduate.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

Well, well, well, kids. Let me tell you about that time your Aunt Callee, Aunt Nicole, Aunt Lindsey, and I went to Las Vegas…

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it.

Money set aside? I think I killed that dream when I was a film major and then decided to enroll in library school. I won’t even have the money to pretend that I’m not getting old—soo, hopefully Botox gets cheaper.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you.

Dear, sweet baby jesus. I accomplished all three of these by the time I was 16 years old. I was writing my 3rd grade teacher/idol emails from my Hotmail account name swimgurl1877240, ‘Hi, Mrs. B. I just had pizza for dinner and went to swim practice. Lets  both wear jean skorts to school tomorrow. Lol. What is your favorite tv show? Do you like computer games? I do. Talk to you soon! Alex’

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded. 

I’m gonna let my little buddy ‘Elvin’ from New Girl take this one:

“Maybe we should get to work on your resume, because yours is terrible. Its 2012, Winston. Typing is not a ‘special skill.’”

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

 

Personally, my favorite friend goes by the name ‘Whiskey,’ and she lets me do both.

[Lolz, JK, I have friends!!…]

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

You know what, friends? I don’t even know what a cordless drill is, how a drill could be cordless, how many screwdrivers are in a set, or if I would know what to do after the initial use of such a tool. So, I managed to unscrew the drain with the right screwdriver, whatever comes after that sounds disgusting.

As for this bra—well, I will leave it up to your imagination. Suffice to say, I can pick out which object did not belong in that sentence, categorically speaking. Now all I can deduce is that women are supposed to be doing handiwork in their black lacey bras, which just sounds really unsexy.

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

I personally cannot own expensive items—I will either lose them or ruin them. I have a mini panic attack when I spend over $100 on any single item. For example, my new iphone, a considerable investment [refer to #7]. This little baby has caused me nightmares in which I have lost or broken it. I wish I was only kidding about this.

13. The belief that you deserve it.

You might as well have just written, ‘shoot for the moon even if you don’t make it you’ll land amongst the stars.’

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

How is this for a plan? 

I don’t know a single person who successfully made it through puberty without having to adopt a skin care regimen—whether due to acne or complete and utter self-loathing. I don’t do routines well, so that takes care of that exercise thing. If I had a plan for anything right now I would probably not be a poor graduate student whose current plan is to figure out whether I want to eat ramen or macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. 

You can’t use the word facet again! The facets of life that do get better? So you’re saying that I won’t forever be an unpaid intern, destined to live on my parent’s couch? Or that I will one day be in a satisfying relationship that isn’t with someone who could be best characterized as deceitful, unmotivated, or inept at communication? I am SO looking forward to that coming true.  

Stay tuned for the next 15.

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4 thoughts on “30 Things Before You’re 30…I’m calling bullshit

  1. Oh, man. I don’t even want to see the guys’ version of this list. I don’t own any power tools, and I only just recently got an umbrella. It was a free employee appreciation gift from one of my internships. Every plan I’ve ever made has stopped at the phase where I write “PLAN” at the top of a page and underline it repeatedly. All of those plans were generally thwarted by me seeing a shiny object…or taking a snack break….or both(shiny snacks are IMPOSSIBLE to resist).

  2. So happy you posted this. I saw it today when my mother passive aggressively emailed the link. I only a have 3 years to go….whatever will we do!!!?

  3. yeah, while going through this the only thought i initially conjured up was, ‘well, shit.’ and then i thought, if i can’t join them, then i might as well make fun of them? passive aggressiveness at its fineness!

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