I know that my post the other night was rather doom and gloom on the idea of love and relationships. And while that is how I feel most nights about relationships and love, I also have my daytime (sober, really) thoughts on it all, that aren’t quite so doom and gloom. I hope to offer a bit of relief and understanding of why we girls will feel so strongly about one guy, and once he’s gone we spiral and feel like there will never be another person we could love as much. This same situation can go for men as well, but they talk about it less than us girls.
First and foremost, I believe that there are different kinds of love. The love you feel for your friends is different from the love you feel for your family and both of those are different from the kind of love you feel for the person you may be in a relationship with, whether it is temporary or a long-term commitment, and so on and so on. I’m sure we all know this whether we remember it or not when we feel like no one loves us or ever could again. Of course we all tend to favor the love that comes from a committed relationship because after all, isn’t that what a majority of all of us want in the end. No one likes feeling alone.
And that brings me to the meat of this post, which is, that I have come to believe that there are certain people in your life for certain periods of time for a particular reason or another. They are there because it’s the right time and place for you two to be together. This applies to friends as well as relationships. And whether these people are in our lives for a long period of time or short, we should understand that they were what was right for us at that point in time in our lives.
When they leave it just means that one or both of you is ready to move on for some reason or another that no one can really know. Sometimes people change and grow apart at the same time, and honestly those are the best and in my experience end up being the ones who can come back as friends again. But, more than likely people change at different rates and it’s painful to see someone leaving you behind. Or if you’re the one moving on and changing and leaving the other, it still hurts a little that you can’t move on together, but it definitely hurts less when you’re the one to end things and move one.
Not only do people change as people, but the love that they feel can change too. People change in how they express love and their views on what the meaning of love in regards to themselves can change. It’s not a fun thought, but I like to believe that this is what happens in most cases. I’d like to think that people are not inherently evil when it comes to other people’s emotions, but sometimes they may not realize that they are viewing and feeling love differently.
I complain about not having real and good relationships in the past, and while that is largely true, there were definitely one, maybe two, who were decent and probably good for me for that point in time in my life. I shouldn’t look back and be angry that it didn’t last, but look back and be happy that I was happy for that year and half and have some really good memories from it.
Now, I’m just in a position that’s a little more tricky. My life is less stable because I’m away from home for school, when I finish school I don’t know if I’m going to have to move again or not, and if I’m struggling to keep my focus on school without a boyfriend, I can only imagine how hard it would be to stay focused with a boy in my life full time. Don’t get me wrong, though, I still get very sad and angry that I don’t have a boy to spend time with, have conversations that you only ever seem to have in a relationship, and I miss having someone laying next to me even if it’s just watching tv. But I’m not going to just settle for anyone solely because I’m lonely.
As fed up as I get with the male species, I’m still a hopeless romantic at heart. I haven’t given up completely on men but if anything, I’m more and more picky about the people I spend my time with. This is because, not only am I scared and damaged from the most recent break up and everything that came before it, but because I don’t want to feel the hurt that hurts worse every time I feel it.
With this being the case, my being picky about who I spend my time with, I should really take the time to see if the person I’m interested in is, deep down, really worth my time. I should see whether or not they’re in a position to be in a committed relationship or not. And again, from personal experience, even if I do take this time, I still don’t listen to myself. I end up liking the person too much to say “no” for the smart reasons I came up with before I met him. So even though I know from the start that he is not available for a relationship, I still stick around because I enjoy his company and I’m just preparing myself for the hurt that I know will eventually come, and that can’t actually be prepared for (but that’s what I tell myself so the thought of it doesn’t hurt so much).
So, for those of you that have made it this far into the post, that last paragraph should have made you say to yourself “she’s crazy and contradicting herself, she should just get over this guy!” And you’re not wrong. But the heart wants what the heart wants and as much as the brain pleads for the heart to listen, the brain never wins. At least not until it’s too late.
We’ve all done this before. Guys have fallen for girls they knew they shouldn’t have and girls will always stay with a guy against her own good advice, and the advice of friends, until they are all left broken hearted. And I’m starting to find that a good portion of the sadness in these types of situations stems more from anger at oneself for not being smarter and stronger, than it does from being physically alone. We know what we’re doing to ourselves, and sometimes the person who we have such feelings for, causing us to stay with them, this person knows what they’re doing as well. They know that they are leading us on, but they also want the company and they’re just hanging around until either something better comes along or until we decide to end it with them. Either way, they don’t get hurt as badly because they were never as invested, emotionally, as we were to begin with.
And even though these temporary relationships are fun and stressful all at once I’d like to believe that they are what they are for a reason. That we are with this person for some reason or another and while we’d love to know that reason either now or when it’s over, we probably never will. But I think we’ll be ok with that as long as we can remember that this person must have just been a stepping stone the help us be better for the next person. Then hopefully, without too many stepping stones, we’ll find that one person we’ve been wishing for all along. And who knows, maybe one of those stepping stones will come back around and the two of you will finally be in the same place in life at the same time, looking for the same things at the same time, and something wonderful can finally be the way we’ve always dreamed.