One of the things I miss the most about being in relationship is holding hands. It was something I was never able to do with the last guy I was seeing because that wasn’t what kind of “relationship” we were supposed to have. I can’t even tell you how many times I had to catch myself and pull back or make an awkward move as if I was trying to do something else when I started to reach for his hand. I don’t know if he ever noticed and if he did, if he realized what it all meant. But either way, it’s over now and doesn’t make a difference. But all of this made me realize just how much holding someone’s hand can mean. It’s such a sweet, simple, and innocent act that should never be taken for granted. It can convey all sorts of emotions with the slightest change in pressure of your grip; from just a few intertwined fingers that hardly hold a grip, but still show affection by the slight touch they provide. To a full on palms touching, fingers laced, squeeze that can show support, can calm fears, or can say “I love you.”
Nothing makes my heart ache more for a love of my own than seeing an elderly couple still walking together holding hands after so many years. My heart also aches for little ol’ Wall-E when he’s watching that musical and seeing the couple hold hands and then tries to intertwine his own mechanical fingers to mimic hand holding.
Let me tell you, I know how he feels.
It’s been so long since I’ve been able to feel what holding hands with someone special feels like. I had honestly not thought of it at all – almost forgotten it – until I realized I was trying to have that with someone I really couldn’t. That affected me more than I ever imagined.
I still get a little irritated and “hateful” when I see other couples holding hands, and it temporarily sends a sharp pain through my chest. I want to feel that again, and hopefully someday soon, but definitely with someone who really wants and deserves to share that with me too.