Coming Full Circle: the end of an emotional adventure

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything about my “relationship” troubles. Honestly it’s been because since it ended I’ve been trying to keep busy in order to move on and not be so sad. A couple of weeks ago I learned about the new girl that, the person I had been seeing, dumped me for. It hurt and I was angry and wished nothing but emotional hurt for him even though this girl sounded perfect for him. I hated that I wasn’t her and I couldn’t stop wondering what is was that was wrong with me when he had nothing negative to say about me when he ended whatever it was that we had.

Over the course of about two or three weeks I went from complete breakdowns two or three times a week to complete anger to being ok with seeing him (we have to work together most days so seeing him is unavoidable) but being completely terrified of the possibility of running into him and this new girl around town. That is until this afternoon.

This afternoon I went facebook snooping against my better judgment and while my heart was racing at what I would find I was actually relieved and then a little annoyed to see what I found. First of all I do not find this girl cute in any way. Her pictures are weird and she comes off as someone I would find really annoying, nothing about her says she is someone I would want to spend my time getting to know. Even the pictures of the two of them together are weird and unattractive and I feel like he looks like someone completely different from who I knew. So that’s a good thing I guess. But I also feel as though I’ve lost even more respect for him now as a person and I’m not really sure why. About 90% of the attraction I still held for him is now vanished in a heartbeat and the thought of seeing these two together no longer terrifies me but makes me want to make sure that, if I ever do, I really rub it in their faces just how much better I am than her (this is my evil side coming out).

Talking with my co-blogger via texting during this we came to the conclusion that this guy must just really want to be the center of attention with his new physique and (what I figure is) a new or re-discovered sense of confidence. I know for a fact that while I was with this person his friends would complement me and tell him that he had a great girl and how if they weren’t already in relationships they would try to take me away from him, I was that attractive (or whatever word they may have used as an equivalent). This to me sounds like all the more reason to be proud to be with me and should have made him confident in himself because he should have known that I, as an attractive woman, wanted to be with only him. Apparently he went the other way. To us (Christa and Alex) it appears that he did not want to compete with his friends and would rather be with someone less attractive because it’s safer. This is another reason I have lost respect for him whether this is the true case or not.

I feel bad for him that I’ve made up my mind about him this way so easily, but for me it’s the best possible thing I could have done. Now I’m only a little concerned about how I’m going to act around him feeling the way I do. And I have found myself, already, wondering why he acted, or at least it felt like he acted, so differently with me than with this current girl and with other people. I see him as being silly and a little obnoxious with other people but with me I remember him being rather subdued and serious and comfortable for the most part, in being that way even though we still had silly moments and had fun, it was different than what I see him doing now. There are obviously multiple ways I can dissect this and I don’t know that I should. I should probably just let it go since there is nothing I can do about it now. I just really want to know what is and was going through his head with me. Maybe I was a little too intense for him and this girl is just “fun” like I thought I was, but seeing from a new perspective now, perhaps I wasn’t or I changed at some point for him.

Whatever the case, I still really think that he’s just confused (he did start seeing me not long after being dumped by his fiance….Woah!) But it’s clear now that he really must not be who I thought he was and as much as I want to say it’s his loss for not falling for me I know I’m better off without him, because if I was special to him I wouldn’t have had to go through the pain of knowing that I was sharing him with other girls. I know I’m better than that. And one day I’ll find someone better than him and experience the happiness that I deserve.

For as much stress and anxiety I’ve put myself through the last few weeks over the thought of how I would react at seeing this person I had had feelings for moving on I’m really glad I went against my better judgment to quell those fears before letting myself get too worked up over it.

 

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