Coming Full Circle: the end of an emotional adventure

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything about my “relationship” troubles. Honestly it’s been because since it ended I’ve been trying to keep busy in order to move on and not be so sad. A couple of weeks ago I learned about the new girl that, the person I had been seeing, dumped me for. It hurt and I was angry and wished nothing but emotional hurt for him even though this girl sounded perfect for him. I hated that I wasn’t her and I couldn’t stop wondering what is was that was wrong with me when he had nothing negative to say about me when he ended whatever it was that we had.

Over the course of about two or three weeks I went from complete breakdowns two or three times a week to complete anger to being ok with seeing him (we have to work together most days so seeing him is unavoidable) but being completely terrified of the possibility of running into him and this new girl around town. That is until this afternoon.

This afternoon I went facebook snooping against my better judgment and while my heart was racing at what I would find I was actually relieved and then a little annoyed to see what I found. First of all I do not find this girl cute in any way. Her pictures are weird and she comes off as someone I would find really annoying, nothing about her says she is someone I would want to spend my time getting to know. Even the pictures of the two of them together are weird and unattractive and I feel like he looks like someone completely different from who I knew. So that’s a good thing I guess. But I also feel as though I’ve lost even more respect for him now as a person and I’m not really sure why. About 90% of the attraction I still held for him is now vanished in a heartbeat and the thought of seeing these two together no longer terrifies me but makes me want to make sure that, if I ever do, I really rub it in their faces just how much better I am than her (this is my evil side coming out).

Talking with my co-blogger via texting during this we came to the conclusion that this guy must just really want to be the center of attention with his new physique and (what I figure is) a new or re-discovered sense of confidence. I know for a fact that while I was with this person his friends would complement me and tell him that he had a great girl and how if they weren’t already in relationships they would try to take me away from him, I was that attractive (or whatever word they may have used as an equivalent). This to me sounds like all the more reason to be proud to be with me and should have made him confident in himself because he should have known that I, as an attractive woman, wanted to be with only him. Apparently he went the other way. To us (Christa and Alex) it appears that he did not want to compete with his friends and would rather be with someone less attractive because it’s safer. This is another reason I have lost respect for him whether this is the true case or not.

I feel bad for him that I’ve made up my mind about him this way so easily, but for me it’s the best possible thing I could have done. Now I’m only a little concerned about how I’m going to act around him feeling the way I do. And I have found myself, already, wondering why he acted, or at least it felt like he acted, so differently with me than with this current girl and with other people. I see him as being silly and a little obnoxious with other people but with me I remember him being rather subdued and serious and comfortable for the most part, in being that way even though we still had silly moments and had fun, it was different than what I see him doing now. There are obviously multiple ways I can dissect this and I don’t know that I should. I should probably just let it go since there is nothing I can do about it now. I just really want to know what is and was going through his head with me. Maybe I was a little too intense for him and this girl is just “fun” like I thought I was, but seeing from a new perspective now, perhaps I wasn’t or I changed at some point for him.

Whatever the case, I still really think that he’s just confused (he did start seeing me not long after being dumped by his fiance….Woah!) But it’s clear now that he really must not be who I thought he was and as much as I want to say it’s his loss for not falling for me I know I’m better off without him, because if I was special to him I wouldn’t have had to go through the pain of knowing that I was sharing him with other girls. I know I’m better than that. And one day I’ll find someone better than him and experience the happiness that I deserve.

For as much stress and anxiety I’ve put myself through the last few weeks over the thought of how I would react at seeing this person I had had feelings for moving on I’m really glad I went against my better judgment to quell those fears before letting myself get too worked up over it.

 

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I Miss the Sweet and Simple

One of the things I miss the most about being in relationship is holding hands. It was something I was never able to do with the last guy I was seeing because that wasn’t what kind of “relationship” we were supposed to have. I can’t even tell you how many times I had to catch myself and pull back or make an awkward move as if I was trying to do something else when I started to reach for his hand. I don’t know if he ever noticed and if he did, if he realized what it all meant. But either way, it’s over now and doesn’t make a difference. But all of this made me realize just how much holding someone’s hand can mean. It’s such a sweet, simple, and innocent act that should never be taken for granted. It can convey all sorts of emotions with the slightest change in pressure of your grip; from just a few intertwined fingers that  hardly hold a grip, but still show affection by the slight touch they provide. To a full on palms touching, fingers laced, squeeze that can show support, can calm fears, or can say “I love you.”

Nothing makes my heart ache more for a love of my own than seeing an elderly couple still walking together holding hands after so many years. My heart also aches for little ol’ Wall-E when he’s watching that musical and seeing the couple hold hands and then tries to intertwine his own mechanical fingers to mimic hand holding.

Let me tell you, I know how he feels.

It’s been so long since I’ve been able to feel what holding hands with someone special feels like. I had honestly not thought of it at all – almost forgotten it – until I realized I was trying to have that with someone I really couldn’t. That affected me more than I ever imagined.

I still get a little irritated and “hateful” when I see other couples holding hands, and it temporarily sends a sharp pain through my chest. I want to feel that again, and hopefully someday soon, but definitely with someone who really wants and deserves to share that with me too.

Quotes of My Life

This evening I was bored and wasting time and came across the quotes that I listed at my “favorite quotes” on my facebook profile. Now, I haven’t updated the “about” portion of my profile in a while but I must have had some sense back in the day for these quotes to still hold true in my life. I don’t think a single one does not mean the same or more than it did when I first posted them. So here I  will share them with all of you whether they have the same or similar or no effect at all on you as they do me, they’re still nice.

“Dance expresses joy better than anything else.” ~ Bob Fosse

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.” ~ Victor Hugo

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” ~ Gandhi

“Just because the rose died on the vine doesn’t mean it lied to you when it was in bloom.” ~ from the series Huff

“We are the sum of all the people that we have ever met.” ~ from the movie Fierce People

Another/Part 2 of My Thoughts On Relationships (sans wine)

I know that my post the other night was rather doom and gloom on the idea of love and relationships. And while that is how I feel most nights about relationships and love, I also have my daytime (sober, really) thoughts on it all, that aren’t quite so doom and gloom. I hope to offer a bit of relief and understanding of why we girls will feel so strongly about one guy, and once he’s gone we spiral and feel like there will never be another person we could love as much. This same situation can go for men as well, but they talk about it less than us girls.

First and foremost, I believe that there are different kinds of love. The love you feel for your friends is different from the love you feel for your family and both of those are different from the kind of love you feel for the person you may be in a relationship with, whether it is temporary or a long-term commitment, and so on and so on. I’m sure we all know this whether we remember it or not when we feel like no one loves us or ever could again. Of course we all tend to favor the love that comes from a committed relationship because after all, isn’t that what a majority of all of us want in the end. No one likes feeling alone.

And that brings me to the meat of this post, which is, that I have come to believe that there are certain people in your life for certain periods of time for a particular reason or another. They are there because it’s the right time and place for you two to be together. This applies to friends as well as relationships. And whether these people are in our lives for a long period of time or short, we should understand that they were what was right for us at that point in time in our lives.

When they leave it just means that one or both of you is ready to move on for some reason or another that no one can really know. Sometimes people change and grow apart at the same time, and honestly those are the best and in my experience end up being the ones who can come back as friends again. But, more than likely people change at different rates and it’s painful to see someone leaving you behind. Or if you’re the one moving on and changing and leaving the other, it still hurts a little that you can’t move on together, but it definitely hurts less when you’re the one to end things and move one.

Not only do people change as people, but the love that they feel can change too. People change in how they express love and their views on what the meaning of love in regards to themselves can change. It’s not a fun thought, but I like to believe that this is what happens in most cases. I’d like to think that people are not inherently evil when it comes to other people’s emotions, but sometimes they may not realize that they are viewing and feeling love differently.

I complain about not having real and good relationships in the past, and while that is largely true, there were definitely one, maybe two, who were decent and probably good for me for that point in time in my life. I shouldn’t look back and be angry that it didn’t last, but look back and be happy that I was happy for that year and half and have some really good memories from it.

Now, I’m just in a position that’s a little more tricky. My life is less stable because I’m away from home for school, when I finish school I don’t know if I’m going to have to move again or not, and if I’m struggling to keep my focus on school without a boyfriend, I can only imagine how hard it would be to stay focused with a boy in my life full time. Don’t get me wrong, though, I still get very sad and angry that I don’t have a boy to spend time with, have conversations that you only ever seem to have in a relationship, and I miss having someone laying next to me even if it’s just watching tv. But I’m not going to just settle for anyone solely because I’m lonely.

As fed up as I get with the male species, I’m still a hopeless romantic at heart. I haven’t given up completely on men but if anything, I’m more and more picky about the people I spend my time with. This is because, not only am I scared and damaged from the most recent break up and everything that came before it, but because I don’t want to feel the hurt that hurts worse every time I feel it.

With this being the case, my being picky about who I spend my time with, I should really take the time to see if the person I’m interested in is, deep down, really worth my time. I should see whether or not they’re in a position to be in a committed relationship or not. And again, from personal experience, even if I do take this time, I still don’t listen to myself. I end up liking the person too much to say “no” for the smart reasons I came up with before I met him. So even though I know from the start that he is not available for a relationship, I still stick around because I enjoy his company and I’m just preparing myself for the hurt that I know will eventually come, and that can’t actually be prepared for (but that’s what I tell myself so the thought of it doesn’t hurt so much).

So, for those of you that have made it this far into the post, that last paragraph should have made you say to yourself “she’s crazy and contradicting herself, she should just get over this guy!” And you’re not wrong. But the heart wants what the heart wants and as much as the brain pleads for the heart to listen, the brain never wins. At least not until it’s too late.

We’ve all done this before. Guys have fallen for girls they knew they shouldn’t have and girls will always stay with a guy against her own good advice, and the advice of friends, until they are all left broken hearted. And I’m starting to find that a good portion of the sadness in these types of situations stems more from anger at oneself for not being smarter and stronger, than it does from being physically alone. We know what we’re doing to ourselves, and sometimes the person who we have such feelings for, causing us to stay with them, this person knows what they’re doing as well. They know that they are leading us on, but they also want the company and they’re just hanging around until either something better comes along or until we decide to end it with them. Either way, they don’t get hurt as badly because they were never as invested, emotionally, as we were to begin with.

And even though these temporary relationships are fun and stressful all at once I’d like to believe that they are what they are for a reason. That we are with this person for some reason or another and while we’d love to know that reason either now or when it’s over, we probably never will. But I think we’ll be ok with that as long as we can remember that this person must have just been a stepping stone the help us be better for the next person. Then hopefully, without too many stepping stones, we’ll find that one person we’ve been wishing for all along. And who knows, maybe one of those stepping stones will come back around and the two of you will finally be in the same place in life at the same time, looking for the same things at the same time, and something wonderful can finally be the way we’ve always dreamed.