On a night where I wish my co-blogger and I were together in the same state (I’m currently at home on break in South Carolina) this is the only thing that makes me smile when I’m upset and I hope it works for my bestie and everyone else
On Friday, May 11, 2012, I was at my parent’s house during a break between the spring and summer grad school semesters. We were doing the Mother’s Day festivities that night, since my brother and I were going to be traveling back to school and work locations on that Sunday. It was a pretty low-key and average celebration of dinner and a movie. My mom decided she wanted to watch Bridesmaids, so the whole family gathered around to enjoy some ridiculous female behavior.
Now, keep in mind that this was during May. Most of friends are in serious relationships or were in the process of ushering in springtime love. Furthermore, every other time I would log onto Facebook, one of my “friends” were getting changing their relationship statuses or posting sonogram and engagement ring photos. My interest in becoming an engaged person is still remarkably low for a mid-20s female, I’m still not immune to cute-couple envy, which became the inspiration behind many text messages between Christa and I.
But back to watching Bridesmaids…about five minutes into it I started feeling a close kinship to Kristen Wiig. We had a lot of qualities in common—both poor, left by serious boyfriends, awkward…and of course, ridiculously funny.
Oh, but there is one more. Remember that scene when Maya Rudolph’s character invites Annie Walker over to her apartment to tell her the big news and Annie has a minor panic attack? Right, well during that scene I laughingly announced to my family, “Man, if Callee called me tomorrow and told me that her and Abel were engaged, I would likely have the same reaction.” Not because I wasn’t happy for her, but because she has been my best friend for years, thinking of her getting married would strike some fear of best friend abandonment deep down in my subconscious. Luckily I didn’t have to worry for too long about said reaction, because the next morning I woke up to realize my jokey announcement was actually a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Lillian/Callee: I’m engaged!
Annie/Alex: Oh my god what?
Lillian/Callee: He asked me last night!
Annie/Alex: Oh god, what is happening!
Did I mention that I am the maid of honor, too? God help me.
In all seriousness, I am thrilled for Callee and Abel. For someone who is stealing my best friend away from me, I still give me a glowing review. It takes a very special person to put up with the antics and wily ways of this woman and still love her unconditionally…and I’m glad someone else has joined the dark side alongside her parents and me [JK, Cal, you have tons of lovers and are as pleasant as a peach always!].
I’ve been waiting to fulfill my MOH Callee-wedding duties since a college party pre-game, where we drunkenly made a pact to be each other’s future MOHs, consecrating our deal with the closest thing we had to holy water—Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum. As I fulfill my various job requirements, I pledge to blog about the trials and tribulations of leading a pack of ragtag bridesmaids through the jungle of Wilson Phillips, giant cookies, and Irish cops.
Let the games begin, and may the odds be ever in my favor.
A couple of months ago a friend of mine was giving me a ride home from work and of course our conversation quickly took a turn from “what am I going to do with my life?” to what else but boys.
Every girl tends to think that she has a “type” of guy that she finds attractive and as it turns out if she actually tries to be with this type of person he either never gives her the time of day or she realizes that he is not what she thought. When she finally does find a guy that she can say she’s crazy about it will usually be followed by “he’s so different from every other guy I’ve ever liked!”
I’m starting to learn that this is because while, yes, we do have initial attributes that attract us to the opposite sex, we really place more emphasis on personality and other relatable qualities than we do appearance. The most beautiful man can have the ugliest personality and (I don’t want to necessarily say “vice versa” but) the less attractive guy can become the most beautiful person you’ve ever known because of the way you two connect.
So getting back to my conversation with my friend: She told me that because we can all be so picky about who we give our attention to and because so many people have such a long list of unrealistic qualities that they will never find all of them in one person, we must create a list of 5 qualities that are the most important to us in a partner. And the key to this list is to create it with only yourself, and the things you know about yourself, in mind. No basing your list off of that one person who you think you like right now.
I’ll be honest and say that I have been one of those girls with unrealistic qualities and that really only limits your options and the possibility of being happy. So here is my new revised 5 item list of qualities/attributes of the person I think would be a good match for me (in no particular order):
1. Intelligence: I must be able to have a conversation with you that I feel that we both get something out of it; that we’ve learned from each other. This conversation should not include me feeling as if I’m defending myself and my choices or beliefs because I feel that an intelligent person should also be an open-minded person.
2. Humor: I love to laugh and I laugh at silly little things that may not actually be funny. So it would be fantastic if we can make each other laugh, even if it comes down to you laughing at my laughing at something stupid. Just don’t judge me too harshly based off of my sense of humor.
3. Height: I will admit that this is my shallowest quality that I look for (and I have mentioned this before in a previous post). It does come down to my own insecurities, but I enjoy a person who is taller than I am even if it’s only by a tiny bit. Honestly, I think it has more to do with my feeling safe with whomever I’m with, so maybe I should re-title this one “Security” or “Safety” instead of “Height.”
4. Communication: Everyone mentions it but not everyone can do it. Communication is the most important thing that any kind of relationship can have. I need to be able to tell you my thoughts and feelings and concerns and I need someone who can accept that, listen to what I have to say, and also return their thoughts, feelings, and concerns as well. I do enjoy listening just as much as I enjoy talking, sometimes more. And these conversations do not always have to be serious, I enjoy fun or interesting conversations as well that do not always have to have a serious “point” to them.
5. Understanding: This is broad and a little vague, but admittedly I have some weird issues and it would be nice to have someone who does not get irritated or angry at me when I do go through a “phase” or get in a “mood.” To be honest I can probably tell you exactly what is going on with me at that particular moment and I can probably tell you how I need you to help me with it whether it’s by leaving me alone, being with me but not talking, or by talking it out with me. But I also need someone who can hear what I tell them or not tell them and know how to act accordingly, regardless of what I say I might need. This of course will take some time to get to know and it’s just what comes with being in a relationship for a period of time. I just hope that I can find someone who will take the time to get to this point with me.
I know these are probably the same things that everyone and their mother tells you to take into consideration when meeting boys, but the important thing to remember is that all of these have different meanings for different people. My standards for each of these are probably different from yours, but that’s what makes these lists important: you have to know what each one means to you. However, no matter the qualities/attributes you add to your list, they do of course go both ways. The things you want in a partner are things you have to be willing to put into a relationship as well. If you can meet someone who has one or two of the qualities you like straight away then go ahead and have a conversation to see if they’re worth your time to get to know further. But on the other hand, if the other person doesn’t seem interested or loses interest and you’re still in the “getting to know you” zone don’t be upset. You have to acknowledge that perhaps you just weren’t what they wanted; just how I’m sure you have ended a potential relationship because the other person just wasn’t turning out how you seemed. No one is at fault in these situations, it’s just a matter of personalities and personal wants and needs not matching up. At least you got to spend that little bit of time getting to know someone new. And who knows? Maybe you’ll end up having that person as a friend while you meet the next new man who could be better for you.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything about my “relationship” troubles. Honestly it’s been because since it ended I’ve been trying to keep busy in order to move on and not be so sad. A couple of weeks ago I learned about the new girl that, the person I had been seeing, dumped me for. It hurt and I was angry and wished nothing but emotional hurt for him even though this girl sounded perfect for him. I hated that I wasn’t her and I couldn’t stop wondering what is was that was wrong with me when he had nothing negative to say about me when he ended whatever it was that we had.
Over the course of about two or three weeks I went from complete breakdowns two or three times a week to complete anger to being ok with seeing him (we have to work together most days so seeing him is unavoidable) but being completely terrified of the possibility of running into him and this new girl around town. That is until this afternoon.
This afternoon I went facebook snooping against my better judgment and while my heart was racing at what I would find I was actually relieved and then a little annoyed to see what I found. First of all I do not find this girl cute in any way. Her pictures are weird and she comes off as someone I would find really annoying, nothing about her says she is someone I would want to spend my time getting to know. Even the pictures of the two of them together are weird and unattractive and I feel like he looks like someone completely different from who I knew. So that’s a good thing I guess. But I also feel as though I’ve lost even more respect for him now as a person and I’m not really sure why. About 90% of the attraction I still held for him is now vanished in a heartbeat and the thought of seeing these two together no longer terrifies me but makes me want to make sure that, if I ever do, I really rub it in their faces just how much better I am than her (this is my evil side coming out).
Talking with my co-blogger via texting during this we came to the conclusion that this guy must just really want to be the center of attention with his new physique and (what I figure is) a new or re-discovered sense of confidence. I know for a fact that while I was with this person his friends would complement me and tell him that he had a great girl and how if they weren’t already in relationships they would try to take me away from him, I was that attractive (or whatever word they may have used as an equivalent). This to me sounds like all the more reason to be proud to be with me and should have made him confident in himself because he should have known that I, as an attractive woman, wanted to be with only him. Apparently he went the other way. To us (Christa and Alex) it appears that he did not want to compete with his friends and would rather be with someone less attractive because it’s safer. This is another reason I have lost respect for him whether this is the true case or not.
I feel bad for him that I’ve made up my mind about him this way so easily, but for me it’s the best possible thing I could have done. Now I’m only a little concerned about how I’m going to act around him feeling the way I do. And I have found myself, already, wondering why he acted, or at least it felt like he acted, so differently with me than with this current girl and with other people. I see him as being silly and a little obnoxious with other people but with me I remember him being rather subdued and serious and comfortable for the most part, in being that way even though we still had silly moments and had fun, it was different than what I see him doing now. There are obviously multiple ways I can dissect this and I don’t know that I should. I should probably just let it go since there is nothing I can do about it now. I just really want to know what is and was going through his head with me. Maybe I was a little too intense for him and this girl is just “fun” like I thought I was, but seeing from a new perspective now, perhaps I wasn’t or I changed at some point for him.
Whatever the case, I still really think that he’s just confused (he did start seeing me not long after being dumped by his fiance….Woah!) But it’s clear now that he really must not be who I thought he was and as much as I want to say it’s his loss for not falling for me I know I’m better off without him, because if I was special to him I wouldn’t have had to go through the pain of knowing that I was sharing him with other girls. I know I’m better than that. And one day I’ll find someone better than him and experience the happiness that I deserve.
For as much stress and anxiety I’ve put myself through the last few weeks over the thought of how I would react at seeing this person I had had feelings for moving on I’m really glad I went against my better judgment to quell those fears before letting myself get too worked up over it.