A couple of months ago a friend of mine was giving me a ride home from work and of course our conversation quickly took a turn from “what am I going to do with my life?” to what else but boys.
Every girl tends to think that she has a “type” of guy that she finds attractive and as it turns out if she actually tries to be with this type of person he either never gives her the time of day or she realizes that he is not what she thought. When she finally does find a guy that she can say she’s crazy about it will usually be followed by “he’s so different from every other guy I’ve ever liked!”
I’m starting to learn that this is because while, yes, we do have initial attributes that attract us to the opposite sex, we really place more emphasis on personality and other relatable qualities than we do appearance. The most beautiful man can have the ugliest personality and (I don’t want to necessarily say “vice versa” but) the less attractive guy can become the most beautiful person you’ve ever known because of the way you two connect.
So getting back to my conversation with my friend: She told me that because we can all be so picky about who we give our attention to and because so many people have such a long list of unrealistic qualities that they will never find all of them in one person, we must create a list of 5 qualities that are the most important to us in a partner. And the key to this list is to create it with only yourself, and the things you know about yourself, in mind. No basing your list off of that one person who you think you like right now.
I’ll be honest and say that I have been one of those girls with unrealistic qualities and that really only limits your options and the possibility of being happy. So here is my new revised 5 item list of qualities/attributes of the person I think would be a good match for me (in no particular order):
1. Intelligence: I must be able to have a conversation with you that I feel that we both get something out of it; that we’ve learned from each other. This conversation should not include me feeling as if I’m defending myself and my choices or beliefs because I feel that an intelligent person should also be an open-minded person.
2. Humor: I love to laugh and I laugh at silly little things that may not actually be funny. So it would be fantastic if we can make each other laugh, even if it comes down to you laughing at my laughing at something stupid. Just don’t judge me too harshly based off of my sense of humor.
3. Height: I will admit that this is my shallowest quality that I look for (and I have mentioned this before in a previous post). It does come down to my own insecurities, but I enjoy a person who is taller than I am even if it’s only by a tiny bit. Honestly, I think it has more to do with my feeling safe with whomever I’m with, so maybe I should re-title this one “Security” or “Safety” instead of “Height.”
4. Communication: Everyone mentions it but not everyone can do it. Communication is the most important thing that any kind of relationship can have. I need to be able to tell you my thoughts and feelings and concerns and I need someone who can accept that, listen to what I have to say, and also return their thoughts, feelings, and concerns as well. I do enjoy listening just as much as I enjoy talking, sometimes more. And these conversations do not always have to be serious, I enjoy fun or interesting conversations as well that do not always have to have a serious “point” to them.
5. Understanding: This is broad and a little vague, but admittedly I have some weird issues and it would be nice to have someone who does not get irritated or angry at me when I do go through a “phase” or get in a “mood.” To be honest I can probably tell you exactly what is going on with me at that particular moment and I can probably tell you how I need you to help me with it whether it’s by leaving me alone, being with me but not talking, or by talking it out with me. But I also need someone who can hear what I tell them or not tell them and know how to act accordingly, regardless of what I say I might need. This of course will take some time to get to know and it’s just what comes with being in a relationship for a period of time. I just hope that I can find someone who will take the time to get to this point with me.
I know these are probably the same things that everyone and their mother tells you to take into consideration when meeting boys, but the important thing to remember is that all of these have different meanings for different people. My standards for each of these are probably different from yours, but that’s what makes these lists important: you have to know what each one means to you. However, no matter the qualities/attributes you add to your list, they do of course go both ways. The things you want in a partner are things you have to be willing to put into a relationship as well. If you can meet someone who has one or two of the qualities you like straight away then go ahead and have a conversation to see if they’re worth your time to get to know further. But on the other hand, if the other person doesn’t seem interested or loses interest and you’re still in the “getting to know you” zone don’t be upset. You have to acknowledge that perhaps you just weren’t what they wanted; just how I’m sure you have ended a potential relationship because the other person just wasn’t turning out how you seemed. No one is at fault in these situations, it’s just a matter of personalities and personal wants and needs not matching up. At least you got to spend that little bit of time getting to know someone new. And who knows? Maybe you’ll end up having that person as a friend while you meet the next new man who could be better for you.