How To Decide Your “Type” of Guy

A couple of months ago a friend of mine was giving me a ride home from work and of course our conversation quickly took a turn from “what am I going to do with my life?” to what else but boys.

Every girl tends to think that she has a “type” of guy that she finds attractive and as it turns out if she actually tries to be with this type of person he either never gives her the time of day or she realizes that he is not what she thought. When she finally does find a guy that she can say she’s crazy about it will usually be followed by “he’s so different from every other guy I’ve ever liked!”

I’m starting to learn that this is because while, yes, we do have initial attributes that attract us to the opposite sex, we really place more emphasis on personality and other relatable qualities than we do appearance. The most beautiful man can have the ugliest personality and (I don’t want to necessarily say “vice versa” but) the less attractive guy can become the most beautiful person you’ve ever known because of the way you two connect.

So getting back to my conversation with my friend: She told me that because we can all be so picky about who we give our attention to and because so many people have such a long list of unrealistic qualities that they will never find all of them in one person, we must create a list of 5 qualities that are the most important to us in a partner. And the key to this list is to create it with only yourself, and the things you know about yourself, in mind. No basing your list off of that one person who you think you like right now.

I’ll be honest and say that I have been one of those girls with unrealistic qualities and that really only limits your options and the possibility of being happy. So here is my new revised 5 item list of qualities/attributes of the person I think would be a good match for me (in no particular order):

1. Intelligence: I must be able to have a conversation with you that I feel that we both get something out of it; that we’ve learned from each other. This conversation should not include me feeling as if I’m defending myself and my choices or beliefs because I feel that an intelligent person should also be an open-minded person.

2. Humor: I love to laugh and I laugh at silly little things that may not actually be funny. So it would be fantastic if we can make each other laugh, even if it comes down to you laughing at my laughing at something stupid. Just don’t judge me too harshly based off of my sense of humor.

3. Height: I will admit that this is my shallowest quality that I look for (and I have mentioned this before in a previous post). It does come down to my own insecurities, but I enjoy a person who is taller than I am even if it’s only by a tiny bit. Honestly, I think it has more to do with my feeling safe with whomever I’m with, so maybe I should re-title this one “Security” or “Safety” instead of “Height.”

4. Communication: Everyone mentions it but not everyone can do it. Communication is the most important thing that any kind of relationship can have. I need to be able to tell you my thoughts and feelings and concerns and I need someone who can accept that, listen to what I have to say, and also return their thoughts, feelings, and concerns as well. I do enjoy listening just as much as I enjoy talking, sometimes more. And these conversations do not always have to be serious, I enjoy fun or interesting conversations as well that do not always have to have a serious “point” to them.

5. Understanding: This is broad and a little vague, but admittedly  I have some weird issues and it would be nice to have someone who does not get irritated or angry at me when I do go through a “phase” or get in a “mood.” To be honest I can probably tell you exactly what is going on with me at that particular moment and I can probably tell you how I need you to help me with it whether it’s by leaving me alone, being with me but not talking, or by talking it out with me. But I also need someone who can hear what I tell them or not tell them and know how to act accordingly, regardless of what I say I might need. This of course will take some time to get to know and it’s just what comes with being in a relationship for a period of time. I just hope that I can find someone who will take the time to get to this point with me.

I know these are probably the same things that everyone and their mother tells you to take into consideration when meeting boys, but the important thing to remember is that all of these have different meanings for different people. My standards for each of these are probably different from yours, but that’s what makes these lists important: you have to know what each one means to you. However, no matter the qualities/attributes you add to your list, they do of course go both ways. The things you want in a partner are things you have to be willing to put into a relationship as well. If you can meet someone who has one or two of the qualities you like straight away then go ahead and have a conversation to see if they’re worth your time to get to know further. But on the other hand, if the other person doesn’t seem interested or loses interest and you’re still in the “getting to know you” zone don’t be upset. You have to acknowledge that perhaps you just weren’t what they wanted; just how I’m sure you have ended a potential relationship because the other person just wasn’t turning out how you seemed. No one is at fault in these situations, it’s just a matter of personalities and personal wants and needs not matching up. At least you got to spend that little bit of time getting to know someone new. And who knows? Maybe you’ll end up having that person as a friend while you meet the next new man who could be better for you.

Coming Full Circle: the end of an emotional adventure

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything about my “relationship” troubles. Honestly it’s been because since it ended I’ve been trying to keep busy in order to move on and not be so sad. A couple of weeks ago I learned about the new girl that, the person I had been seeing, dumped me for. It hurt and I was angry and wished nothing but emotional hurt for him even though this girl sounded perfect for him. I hated that I wasn’t her and I couldn’t stop wondering what is was that was wrong with me when he had nothing negative to say about me when he ended whatever it was that we had.

Over the course of about two or three weeks I went from complete breakdowns two or three times a week to complete anger to being ok with seeing him (we have to work together most days so seeing him is unavoidable) but being completely terrified of the possibility of running into him and this new girl around town. That is until this afternoon.

This afternoon I went facebook snooping against my better judgment and while my heart was racing at what I would find I was actually relieved and then a little annoyed to see what I found. First of all I do not find this girl cute in any way. Her pictures are weird and she comes off as someone I would find really annoying, nothing about her says she is someone I would want to spend my time getting to know. Even the pictures of the two of them together are weird and unattractive and I feel like he looks like someone completely different from who I knew. So that’s a good thing I guess. But I also feel as though I’ve lost even more respect for him now as a person and I’m not really sure why. About 90% of the attraction I still held for him is now vanished in a heartbeat and the thought of seeing these two together no longer terrifies me but makes me want to make sure that, if I ever do, I really rub it in their faces just how much better I am than her (this is my evil side coming out).

Talking with my co-blogger via texting during this we came to the conclusion that this guy must just really want to be the center of attention with his new physique and (what I figure is) a new or re-discovered sense of confidence. I know for a fact that while I was with this person his friends would complement me and tell him that he had a great girl and how if they weren’t already in relationships they would try to take me away from him, I was that attractive (or whatever word they may have used as an equivalent). This to me sounds like all the more reason to be proud to be with me and should have made him confident in himself because he should have known that I, as an attractive woman, wanted to be with only him. Apparently he went the other way. To us (Christa and Alex) it appears that he did not want to compete with his friends and would rather be with someone less attractive because it’s safer. This is another reason I have lost respect for him whether this is the true case or not.

I feel bad for him that I’ve made up my mind about him this way so easily, but for me it’s the best possible thing I could have done. Now I’m only a little concerned about how I’m going to act around him feeling the way I do. And I have found myself, already, wondering why he acted, or at least it felt like he acted, so differently with me than with this current girl and with other people. I see him as being silly and a little obnoxious with other people but with me I remember him being rather subdued and serious and comfortable for the most part, in being that way even though we still had silly moments and had fun, it was different than what I see him doing now. There are obviously multiple ways I can dissect this and I don’t know that I should. I should probably just let it go since there is nothing I can do about it now. I just really want to know what is and was going through his head with me. Maybe I was a little too intense for him and this girl is just “fun” like I thought I was, but seeing from a new perspective now, perhaps I wasn’t or I changed at some point for him.

Whatever the case, I still really think that he’s just confused (he did start seeing me not long after being dumped by his fiance….Woah!) But it’s clear now that he really must not be who I thought he was and as much as I want to say it’s his loss for not falling for me I know I’m better off without him, because if I was special to him I wouldn’t have had to go through the pain of knowing that I was sharing him with other girls. I know I’m better than that. And one day I’ll find someone better than him and experience the happiness that I deserve.

For as much stress and anxiety I’ve put myself through the last few weeks over the thought of how I would react at seeing this person I had had feelings for moving on I’m really glad I went against my better judgment to quell those fears before letting myself get too worked up over it.

 

A PSA

Me, right now.

Sigh. Another piece of my faith in humanity has been burned at the stake. I get that its in our blood to be manipulative and assholes to one another, but I’m kinda tired of my friends getting their hearts walked all over. I’m not even going to bother writing a post lamenting the actions of menfolk (and their she-devil counterparts), because its been beaten like a dead horse on every other blog in the webosphere. And as tired as I am of getting on Facebook every other day to see how somebody else is engaged or knocked up, I’d rather have my friends be happy then have to experience, say, having to find out their boyfriend banged some other chick last night when they were home sick. So, anyway, this brief post is just a warning…I might be small but I will beat you up. Or at least hide behind my computer screen and grumble over your existence.

A secret admirer of Peruvian lilies

Today I [Alex]was given a wonderful surprise by…somebody. More specifically, my “super secret admirer.” I guess to preface this I should say that my past few weeks have been a tad on the rockier side. I’ve been going through a jarring break up, to say the least. Break ups are weird, huh? Almost every person you know has been through a break up except for the person they are with now, but when it happens to you it feels like you are the only one in the world who has ever felt this kind of pain or loneliness. The work of that adjustment period seems insurmountable and, frankly, you just don’t feel like doing it. But, sometimes little things happen along the way that restore your faith in humanity and makes you genuinely smile. For me, its been stuff like oogling the various Pens players with my co-blogger, having my mom treat me to a spa day, or  folding paper cranes while watching Parenthood. Today, however, I came home to see a huge box from ProFlowers on my front porch. Anytime I see a package on the porch I get so excited hoping its for me and I really wanted this one.

I took the box upstairs, checking 5 times to make sure my name was actually on the front, and then dug in. To find a huge bouquet of lilies! Whoever sent this to me either knows I absolutely love any kind of lily or just got lucky. They came with a lovely vase and look just beautiful sitting on my living room table.

And this is the card I got with them:

Naturally, I thought they were from my mother, because I don’t know who else would send me flowers right now. They weren’t from her. So I have no idea; I haven’t been too vocal about the break up situation, although it is the century of Facebook and text messaging so I’m sure it would only take someone with more than one braincell to figure it out.

My mom has been bugging me all day about who I think it is that sent them. She can’t believe that I don’t want to know who my secret admirer is. And I don’t! I love that somebody thought of me enough to send them, but I just truly don’t want to know, maybe its the mystery aspect of it all. Whether they are from a friend, family member, or an actual male admirer, I’m happy all the same.